Information about Unrequited Love

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Unrequited love is love that is not reciprocated, even though reciprocation is usually deeply desired. This can lead to feelings such as depression, low self-esteem, anxiety, and mood swings such as swift changes between depression and euphoria.

In literature

Layla and Majnun Nezami's Persian tale, about a moon-princess who was married off by her father to someone other than the man who was desperately in love with her, resulting in his madness. This story, along with complex occurrences in the personal lives of Eric Clapton and George Harrison, was an inspiration for Clapton's song "Layla".

The 1st century BC Roman poet Catullus wrote about his unrequited love for Lesbia (Clodia) in several of his Carmina.

Abraham Cowley wrote of the emotion (in "Anacreontiques: Or, Some Copies of Verses Translated Paraphrastically out of Anacreon"):

"A mighty pain to love it is,

And 'tis a pain that pain to miss;

But of all pains, the greatest pain

It is to love, but love in vain."

Robert Burns' poem "Anna, Thy Charms" catches it succinctly:

"Anna, thy charms my bosom fire,

And waste my soul with care;

But ah! how bootless to admire,

When fated to despair!

Yet in thy presence, lovely Fair,

To hope may be forgiven;

For sure 'twere impious to despair

So much in sight of heaven."

Dante Alighieri for Beatrice Portinari- Perhaps the most famous example in Western culture of unrequited love. Dante apparently spoke to Beatrice only twice in his life, the first time when he was nine years old and she was eight. Although both went on to marry other people, Dante nevertheless regarded Beatrice as the great love of his life and his "muse." He made her the guide to Heaven in his work The Divine Comedy. Additionally, all of the examples in Dante's manual for poets, La Vita Nuova, are about his love for Beatrice. The prose which surrounds the examples further tells the story of his lifelong devotion to her.



Petrarch is famous for his love for the lady Laura. He is best remembered for the sonnets he wrote her, despite her marriage to another man.

A.E. Housman wrote a poem inspired by his life-long unrequited love for his best friend Moses Jackson:

"He would not stay for me, and who can wonder?

He would not stay for me to stand and gaze.

I shook his hand and tore my heart in sunder

And went with half my life about my ways."

Don Quixote and Dulcinea in Don Quixote, by Miguel de Cervantes. Don Quixote, who believes he is a knight, imagines that he serves a noblewoman named Dulcinea. Unfortunately, the object of his desire is actually a homely peasant in his hometown, and his love for her is not returned. Her name has come to be a metaphor for unrequited love, in the sense, "That woman is my Dulcinea."

Shakespeare touched on the topic, in his plays Hamlet, Romeo and Juliet, A Midsummer Night's Dream and Twelfth Night. A more threatening unrequited lover, Roderigo, is shown in Othello.

The classic French play Cyrano de Bergerac, by Edmond Rostand, is about a brilliant swordsman and poet who is in unrequited love with his cousin for decades.

Victor Hugo's two most famous works' Notre-Dame-de-Paris and Les Misérables feature characters (namely those of, from Notre-Dame-de-Paris; Quasimodo, Esmeralda, Frollo and Gringoire) and the character of Eponine from Les Misérables, a street-waif who later sacrifices her life to save Marius, the man she loves.

The Sorrows of Young Werther by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe was one of the beginnings of romanticism. Unrequited love combines two main themes in romanticism: Weltschmerz and love.

Gaston Leroux's character Erik from The Phantom of the Opera, who was born hideously deformed (said to have looked like a 'Living Corpse') and yet whom falls for the young soprano Christine Daaé who, it turns out, also loves another man—the Viscount Raoul de Chagny.

Stendhal writes in a more clinical manner in On Love.

Unrequited love is the most potent theme in Charles Dickens' Great Expectations, manifested mostly in the character of Pip. Another Dickensian character famously known for suffering from unrequited love is Sydney Carton in A Tale of Two Cities.

In Louisa May Alcott's book Little Women, Laurie has unrequited feelings for his friend, Josephine March, who only views him as a good friend. He then moves on and married her sister, Amy, while Jo marries Professor Bhear.

The Tenant of Wildfell Hall by Anne Brontë, contains an unrequited love subplot: the efforts of Mr. Hargrave to win Helen Graham.

Charlotte Brontë's Villette describes isolation and unrequited love.

The Slovene poet France Prešeren wrote a devastatingly beautiful sonnet cycle dedicated to his unhappy love for Julija Primic.

In Russian literature, among innumerable examples, one could mention First Love, by Turgenev or The Seagull, by Anton Chekhov.

T.S. Eliot writes of the unrequited love of Prufrock

F. Scott Fitzgerald offers his ideas on unrequited love in The Great Gatsby, wherein the main character Jay Gatsby builds wealth through alcohol smuggling during prohibition to try and lure back his one time lover Daisy Buchanan. However, her shallowness, while allowing physical consummation does not provide the emotional security that Gatsby is seeking.

The character Heathcliff in Emily Brontë's Wuthering Heights is depicted as a man suffering from varying extents of unrequited love in his complex relationship with Catherine Earnshaw.

Carl Sandburg treats the theme of unrequited love with minimalist elegance in poems from his 1963 book, Honey and Salt. In the poem, "Little Word, Little White Bird", the narrator asks, "Love, can it hit one without hitting two and leave the one lost and groping?" And in the poem, Offering and Rebuff (also from Honey and Salt), the rebuffer says to the one professing his love, "Let your heart look on white sea spray and be lonely...Love is a fool star."

Charles Schulz; his Peanuts character Charlie Brown suffers from unrequited love for the Little Red-Haired Girl, as does Lucy van Pelt for Schroeder, Sally Brown for Linus van Pelt, and Linus for his teacher Ms. Othmar. Charlie Brown famously notes in one strip:

"Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love."

In William Somerset Maugham's novel, Of Human Bondage- The main character Philip Carey becomes enticed by a woman named Mildred, who does not care an ounce for Philip. He becomes masochistic, willing to put himself in the line of pain to gain Mildred's affection. In the end, he realizes that this is a one-sided love and that he is controlled by his own passions.

The Bible; The Wife of Potiphar. A great representation of the story is at the Getty Museum. (See external link below.)

Félix Arvers' silent love for Marie, immortalized in poem "Un secret" also known as "Sonnet d'Arvers". This poem was taken from a piece he wrote aged 25, "Mes heures perdues" (My lost hours).

Gabriel Garcia Márquez's novel, Love in the Time of Cholera opens with the sentence, "It was inevitable: the scent of bitter almonds always reminded him of the fate of unrequited love," and tell the story of a 51-year unrequited affair.

Jodi Picoult's best selling novels, often use unrequited love. A few examples are "Nineteen Minutes" where Peter's feelings for Josie are not reciprocated, and in "The Tenth Circle" in which Trixie is so in love with Jason, who dumps her after 3 months.

J. K. Rowling's Harry Potter series contain several important stories about unrequited love. Early on, Ginny Weasley has a crush on Harry but he only considers her as the little sister of his best friend. This relationship keeps developing right up until the end of the series, where it is revealed that Harry and Ginny are married. In Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, it is revealed that Severus Snape had unrequited love for Lily Evans, Harry's mother.

In J.R.R. Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings, the character Eowyn has a crush on Aragorn, but he is already in love with Arwen. Later at the end, Eowyn decides to let go of Aragorn and embraces her newfound love for Faramir, whom she later marries.

In music

Unrequited love has been a topic used repeatedly by musicians for decades. Blues artists incorporated it heavily; it is the topic of B.B. King's "Lucille" and "The Thrill is Gone," Ray Charles' "What'd I Say" and many early and later blues songs. Eric Clapton's band Derek and the Dominos devoted a whole album to the topic, Layla & Other Assorted Love Songs, which included such famous songs as "Layla" and "Bell Bottom Blues". Many Rock n' Roll musicians also based songs on unrequited love; from The Eagles all the way to Led Zeppelin, almost every classic rock band has at least one song on the topic. The exact term may be found in the lyrics of Ritchie Blackmore's Rainbow 1995 song "Insatiable", among others. It is also heard in many of the songs by The Wolfe Tones, most noticeably Boston Rose.

Bonnie Raitt's 1991 single, "I Can't Make You Love Me" exemplifies the heartache and sadness associated with unrequited love. The song is about the honest realization of the end of a one-sided love. It was revealed by Starlee Kine on This American Life that the song was written for Raitt by Mike Reid and Allen Shamblin who were inspired by a newspaper clipping. A man had gotten drunk and shot up his girlfriend's car. When asked what he had learned from it, he said, "You can't make a woman love you if she don't." From the song:

"I'll close my eyes then I won't see

the love you don't feel when you're holding me

Morning will come and I'll do what's right

Just give me till then to give up this fight and I will give up this fight

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't

You can't make your heart feel something it won't

Here in the dark in these final hours

I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power

But you won't - No, you won't

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't"

The Doobie Brothers hit it on the head with "What a Fool Believes" which posits that for some, a fantasy, even an unrequited one, is preferable to loneliness.

Don Henley showed the concept of unrequited love in his song The Boys of Summer in which we see the unmarried, unhappy protagonist go through his life from a young man which he has his first encounter with his now former lover. It then shows him in middle age, still longing for the object of his affection from his younger days.

J. Geils Band recorded a popular song about the frustrations of unrequited love, Love Stinks, in 1980, which hit #38 on the Billboard pop charts.

Gene Pitney had a hit song in 1964 titled "It Hurts to Be in Love", which is about a person loving someone in love with another. It peaked at #7 on the Billboard pop charts.

Rick Springfield had a 1981 hit song, "Jessie's Girl", which was obviously about unrequited love. It involved a man in love with his best friend's girlfriend. It went to #1 on the Billboard pop charts.

Much of Daniel Johnston's music has focused on the subject of unrequited love, revolving around his own experiences with Laurie Johnson, an early obsession. Notably is "Urge" on 1981's Songs of Pain. The narrator tells of being in love with a girl who doesn't return his affections, noting that he "thinks sometimes of holding her," and "wishes to God he could touch her hand." The song ends with him postulating that when she gets old, she'll realize what she could have had and will feel just as awful as he does now.

Radiohead had their first taste of success with their 1993 unrequited love hit "Creep". The band has since strayed away from the topic on the majority of their later work.

Vertical Horizon gained international recognition with their massive 2000 hit, "Everything You Want". The song, which topped the billboard charts and became one of the most played songs of the year, heavily addresses the subject of unrequited love.

Real McCoy's 1993 hit "Another Night" portrays unrequited love from the viewpoint of the female vocalist, with the male vocals acting as the man's voice in her head.

Weezer, Coldplay (notably "Shiver"), and The Killers (notably "Mr. Brightside") each share many songs on the subject.

U2's tome on unrequited love, "All I Want Is You," was accompanied by a dramatic music video recounting the tale of a circus troupe where a dwarf is in love with a trapeze artist, and perhaps even dies trying to impress her.

Slipknot uses the theme in some of their songs, most noably Iowa, Vermilion, and Vermilion Pt. 2.

Muse uses unrequited love as a theme heavily from their first album Showbiz up through their newest release, Black Holes and Revelations. Songs such as "Unintended", "Endlessly", "Space Dementia", and "Map of the Problematique" have unrequited love as a central and powerful theme.

Although most rap and hip hop artists rarely dabble with such a subject, many R&B artists such as Usher and R. Kelly have written songs about it. The English singer Aqualung has also written a song, entitled, "Strange and Beautiful", which was featured in the sound-track to the 2004 film Wicker Park, in which the singer spends much of their life secretly in love with an unspecified person, eventually resolving to quietly prove his or her affections in the hopes of reciprocation.

The 1972 one-hit-wonder "Brandy (You're A Fine Girl)" by Looking Glass deals with unrequited love between a girl, Brandy, who works in a port city at a bar, and a lonely sailor who's "life, lover and lady" is the sea. He tells her that while he cares for her and thinks she would be a good wife, he cannot and will not leave his job as a sailor. Still, she loves him, even if it is unreturned, and "does her best to understand."

In the musical The Phantom of the Opera, the title character is in love with singer Christine Daaé who mistakes her affection for him as affection for her dead father. In reality, she is in love with her childhood friend Raoul, Viconte de Chagny.

In the musical Les Miserables, based on the novel of the same name, one of the most well-known songs is "On My Own", a vivid account of the crushing loneliness felt by unrequited lovers. In this song Eponine describes the division of her world between her fantasies of life with Marius and the reality of his disinterest. Such fantasies are a common, if not integral component of an unrequited love affair. She is painfully aware that she is marginal in Marius' life, singing,

"Without him

The world around me changes

The trees are bare and everywhere

The streets are full of strangers"

And, later, contrasting this with,

"Without me

His world would go on turning

A world that's full of happiness

That I have never known"

In the musical "Wicked" by Stephen Schwartz, based on the book Wicked by Gregory Maguire, Elphaba (later to be known as The Wicked Witch of the West) declares her unrequited love for Fiyero through the song "I'm Not That Girl". She tries to accept that Fiyero is in love with her best friend Galinda. Elphaba has always been aware that she can never be the same as everyone else due to her green skin condition and sheer unpopularit with others. She expresses her feelings during the song and kids herself into believing she can live with it.

"Hands touch, eyes meet

Sudden silence, sudden heat,

Hearts leap in a giddy whirl,

He could be that boy

But I'm not that girl."

Slug from Atmosphere recounts suffering from unrequited love, not only from one individual, but from an entire ilk. He states in ''Like Today,

"from Anne Landers, to Ani DiFranco to Orphan Annie

I love all women, but most of them just can't stand me."

One of the most famous songs dealing with unrequited love is the 1982 George Jones smash hit "He Stopped Loving Her Today". The song was about a man who had an unrequited love for a woman for many years until his death. The moment he died is the moment he stopped loving her.

The 2002 "love-gone-wrong" concept album Gutterflower by the Goo Goo Dolls features a track written by John Rzeznik entitled 'Big Machine' that Rzeznik describes as a "propulsive tale of unrequited love":

"Now your world is way too fast

Nothing's real and nothing lasts

And I'm aware

I'm in love and you don't care"

"I'm torn in pieces

I'm blind and waiting for you

My heart is reeling

I'm blind and waiting for you"

"Auf Achse" by Franz Ferdinand expresses many of the feelings held by sufferers of unrequited love, especially in the opening four lines:

"You see her, you can't touch her.

You hear her, you can't hold her.

You want her, you can't have her.

You want to, but she won't let you."

Christian hardcore/screamo group Chasing Victory recorded a track by the same name, featured on their "I Call This Abandonment" album.

Damien Rice has many songs about the daughter of his clarinet teacher. "I Remember", "The Blower's Daughter", "Elephant", and "Accidental Babies", are all about the girl in question. Lyrics consist of "The pillow in your pillowcase is easier to touch", "Do you cum? Together ever with him? Is he dark enough, enough to see your light?" and "This has got to die, this has got to stop, this has got to lie down, there's someone else on top. You can keep me pinned, it's easier to tease, but you can't paint an elephant, quite as good as she."

Electronica artist Craig Armstrong, known for composing film scores, included the song "Let's Go Out Tonight" with The Blue Nile singer Paul Buchanan on his first solo album The Space Between Us. The song concerns a man who is asking a woman to go out with him to an unknown place with him as he asks for her prayers and for her love.

Symphonie Fantastique (1830) by Romantic composer Hector Berlioz is one example of a classical work about unrequited love.

"The Saturday Boy" by Billy Bragg is a well known song about unrequited love, especially for one involving a teenage boy:

We dreamed of her and compared our dreams. But that was all that I ever tasted. She lied to me with her body you see. I lied to myself bout the chances Id wasted. The times we were close. Were far and few between. In the darkness at the dances in the school canteen. Did she close her eyes like I did. As we held each other tight. And la la la la la la la la means I love you. I never understood my failings then. And I hide my humble hopes now. Thinking back she made us want her. A girl not old enough to shave her legs.

The song cycle Lieder eines fahrenden Gesellen by Gustav Mahler takes up this theme of unrequited love, in which the singer narrates how such a love caused him to wander about the world, causing him much pain and sorrow.

"Teardrops on my Guitar" by country singer Taylor Swift deals quite bluntly with unrequited love and the pain it can cause.

Unrequited love is the subject of the James Blunt song "You're Beautiful," in which the narrator sees a girl in the subway and falls in love with her immediately, but never sees her again.

In interview, Axl Rose confirms that the 1993 Guns N' Roses song Estranged (from the album Use Your Illusion II) is a song about unrequited love, likely referring to his recent separation from then-girlfriend Stephanie Seymour.

"Shy" by Sonata Arctica tells the story of a man who falls in love with a woman but is too shy to talk to her.

"Rammstein" wrote a song on their "Rosenrot" album entitled "Feuer Und Wasser" Which could be interpreted as unrequited love from a 3rd person prospective.

Italian Baroque composer Antonio Caldara's song Sebben, crudele ("Although, cruel one"), a staple of classical voice teachers and students, is sung from the perspective of one who is made to "languish" by the "cruel one" of the song's title, but still hopes to wear down the beloved's pride with his or her faithfulness and length of service.

A very popular R&B song featuring "Roberta Flack and Donny Hathaway" and written by Ms. Flack's long time percussionist "Ralph MacDonald" called "Where is the Love" speaks to the subject of unrequited love. It was released in 1972. It peaked at #1 on Billboard's R & B charts, and #5 in the pop charts. Here is a verse of the lyric:

"Where is the love

You said you'd give to me

Soon as you were free

Will it ever be

Where is the love"

Sin Bandera has several songs dealing with this subject; perhaps the best example is their song "Que Lloro" which is sung from the point of view of a man who loves a woman who finally realizes that she will never return his love the song states

" But if I don't explain to you

what I feel inside

you're not going to understand when

you see me weep.

Life shouted at me

that I never had you and I never lost you

I weep for you

I weep without you

That I have understood

That you are not for me

And I weep "

He is resigned to the fact that it will never be requited and ponders the paradox of the feeling of loss when there is no more hope. While in truth he never had her to lose he still feels the loss and the pain inherent therein.

In TV/Film

This is also a recurring theme both in television and cinema. Perhaps it has most recently been seen in the third contemporary series of Doctor Who - Rose Tyler and Martha Jones are examples of unrequited love for the Doctor, according to writer Russell T. Davies.

Another example is the Disney film Beauty and the Beast, in which Gaston's unceasing infatuation with Belle drove him to become a bloodthirsty murderer.

Further example include Futurama where Philip J. Fry is in love with Turanga Leela who does not return his affections. Another example is Frasier where Niles Crane is in love with Daphne Moon who for the first seven years does not return his affections.

In seasons one and two of NBC's The Office, the character Jim Halpert tries to hide his painfully unrequited love for Pam Beesley.

Several of Paul Thomas Anderson's films have focused on the subject. In Boogie Nights, Scotty, played by Philip Seymour Hoffman, idolizes and is secretly in love with Dirk Diggler (Mark Wahlberg). His obsession comes to light in an embarrassing scene where he spontaneously attempts to kiss Dirk, leading to rejection and Scotty cursing himself for being a "fucking idiot". In Magnolia, Donnie Smith (William H. Macy) is in love with a local bartender named Brad, even going so far as to get braces like Brad's in a desperate attempt to connect with him. In another example, John C. Reilly's character Jim Kurring finds himself immediately infatuated with Claudia (Melora Walters) when he responds to her apartment for a noise complaint. A drug addict, she's reluctant at first and their initial meeting goes rather awry. However, the film's final scene shows him visiting her apartment, explaining his affections and intentions, and her accepting him.

In the series Babylon 5, the characters Lennier and Marcus Cole both show forms of unrequited love. While Marcus' love drove him to sacrifice himself to save Susan Ivanova's life, Lennier's unrequited love for Delenn almost drove him to allow her husband be killed.

In the anime/manga Gunslinger Girl, Elsa had an unrequitted love for her instructor, Lauro. This is also the main subject of an episode in this anime series.

On the anime Sailor Moon, in the fifth major story arc which was not dubbed in English, a senshi called Seiya Kou/Sailor Star Fighter from the Starlights falls in love with Usagi/Serena/Bunny. It was unrequited love because Usagi Tsukino didn't feel the same way because she loved someone else (Mamoru Chiba).

In the anime/manga Naruto, Naruto has an unrequitted love for his teammate and friend, Sakura, who is in love with Naruto's rival, Uchiha Sasuke. However, since Sasuke left the village 2,5 years ago to be trained by Orochimaru and becomes an exiled ninja, some events in the second part of the Manga may point towards a change in Sakura's heart. Nothing has been resolved yet, though.

In the film Scenes of a Sexual Nature, there is a storyline featuring an elderly woman and man, who it turns out have shared the same unrequited love for each other, despite only meeting once and marry others during their lives.

On the cartoon The Magic School Bus, it is hinted a couple of times that the character Phoebe has a crush on her classmate, Arnold, who appears to have a crush on their classmate Wanda (who sometimes appears to return his crush).

Books

• Loves me, loves me not: the ethics of unrequited love / Laura Smit., 2005
• The handbook of sexuality in close relationships / John H Harvey., 2004
• The Genesis of sex: sexual relationships in the first book of the Bible / O Palmer Robertson., 2002
• Interpersonal rejection / Mark R Leary, 2001
• The dark side of close relationships / Brian H Spitzberg., 1998
• Breaking hearts: the two sides of unrequited love / Baumeister, Roy., 1992

In other media

• Spybot Search & Destroy - In the Spybot license, Patrick Michael Kolla, the author of the antispyware program, dedicates Spybot to "the most wonderful girl on earth." Many believe that she is Kolla's girlfriend, but the title actually goes to one of his closest friends, who does not return Kolla's love, as mentioned in the help file.

References

See also

• Erotomania
• Existential despair
• Limerence
• Love shyness
• Involuntary celibacy
• Courtly love
• Obsessive love

External links

• Personal experiences with unrequited love
• Unrequited Love Support Group
• How unrequited love can be an illness, or even fatal (BBC)