|
How do I know? For one thing, I've conducted exhaustive research and for another I hear voices in my head, which can be an excellent source of information once you sort out who's who.
I do not believe that Martians have it out for us, but I do believe their physical makeup and cognitive abilities are simply not suited to our planet or to the tasks required to provide adequate customer service.
Now if you promise to reserve judgment to the end, I promise to make believers out of all of you by citing several deficiencies in the physical makeup of Martians which correspond directly to specific examples of horrible customer service we've all experienced. And no snickering under your breath, I'm providing valuable information for free. It's not as if I'm charging you $320 million to uncover the deep mystical properties of Martian topsoil. Here we are spending tens of millions of dollars each year on door mats and dust busters to get rid of dirt and NASA's spending hundreds of millions to get it. That's the government for you. Anyway, back to my theory which will substantiate beyond a shadow of a doubt that Martians have taken over the customer service industry.
1. Martians have remarkably poor eyesight and hearing. Ever walk into a store and not have a single employee acknowledge your presence even though you heard the little bell ring above the door as you entered? When an employee is on the phone in front of you but fails to make eye contact to let you know that they know you are there, do you ever pinch yourself to confirm that you are an actual physical entity and not a wraith from the spirit world in search of a curtain rod? Don't worry; you're completely human. The employees? Martians.
While they see each and hear each other just fine, witness the jolly, jabbering conversations they have while you stand unnoticed before them, Martians cannot differentiate between animate or inanimate earthly objects.
2. Martians can't distinguish human voices on the telephone. Ever had a real conversation when calling the phone company, a department store, a consumer product company or government office? If your answer is yes, consider yourself lucky. You reached a human being. If you ever hear the automated words, "Your call is important to us," that's a company run by Martians. Hang up and don't try again!
3. Earthly foods create confusion in Martians. Ever been to a restaurant where the waiter takes your order, taking great pains to go around the table one by one? Later someone else comes out with your food and proceeds to ask each person at the table who had what until all the food is cold and the once witty and bubbling dinner conversation is replaced with sullen requests to reheat dishes and whispered accusations as to whose idea it was to come to this restaurant anyway?
Humans can both take dinner orders and hand out food, distributing the right dish to the right person. Martians experience disorientation when handling food. Scientists have not pinpointed the exact cause but theorize it may have something to do with the uncanny resemblance between the head of their planet and calamari.
4. Martians can't comprehend mathematics. Ever hand a twenty dollar bill to a person operating a cash register to pay for an item that costs $10.53 and then admittedly at the 11th hour, hand that person another dollar bill so you could receive a ten dollar bill and .47 cents in change? If that "person" begins to mop its brow, mutter profanities and glare at you as if you were one who recommended they invest in Twyla Tharp's Bob Dylan musical, rest assured that "person" hails from the red planet.
5. Martians have no conception of time as we know it. Ever said this to a friend who has invited you over for dinner? "Thank you for your thoughtful invitation! I will be there sometime between the hours of 5:30 p.m. and 1:30 am. Please confirm that you will be home and the meal will be hot during that time." Of course you've never said that! If you're human. Now, have you ever ordered phone or cable service and the representative informs you that someone will be at your house between the hours of 9:00 am and 2:30 in the afternoon? Got to be Martians, right? No conception of time whatsoever, let alone human courtesy.
Need further proof? Do they ask you to wait at home for six hours when they shut off your service for failing to pay the bill? No way. Why? Humans handle that side of the operation.
6. Through a chemical reaction in the body, Martians convert oxygen into ether creating a somnolent physical state (commonly referred to as the "Where in God's Name Did They Go?" syndrome) in which all mental and physical response rates are slowed dramatically. The cashier asks a colleague for a price check on a sweater. The colleague disappears only to return 15 minutes later with the price for a pair of culottes.
You make the universal "Bring me the check" pantomime to your waitress. She smiles, nods affirmatively and then disappears for so long you have to file an Amber Alert. Studies indicate that for every minute it takes a human to complete a task, it takes a Martian 17 minutes, with the exception of the South where it takes a Martian 34 minutes.
That's it. I rest my case that it is the Martian who has made a shambles of our once proud and heralded customer service industry. I'm also hearing rumblings that they've infiltrated Congress. You may now snicker at will...
