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I tried on my own for years to forget about it, to ignore it, to push it to the back of my head and not think about it but everytime I thought I was safe something would happen to remind me and set me straight back on that roller coaster again.
I might watch a television programme or read something and bang back it came like a bullet to my brain, the pain was always the same that full deep agonising feeling of dread. Then I would start o question the why’s!
Why me? Why not my sisters? Why didn’t my mum help when I told her? Why did he hate me so much? Why didn’t I do something? Why did it go on for so many years etc, etc?
I used to set myself little goals, when I am sixteen it will be different because I will leave school then, when I am eighteen I will be grown up, when I am twenty one he will recognise me as a grown up and so it went on. Eleven years of the awful pain until I got married and the found the courage to say no more or I tell my husband.
After that the abuse stopped but the pain never went away, the constant nagging in my head that one day he will come back and start again, I hated him so much but could tell anyone. I would close all the windows and doors when I was alone so I could pretend there was no-one at home if he did come round on his own
Who would understand who would believe me, who wouldn't sit back in judgement of me and say I hadn't asked for it, it wasn't my fault.
It was only when I started to see a counsellor that I really began to put things right, I realised I had been carrying this burden around like a big heavy weight; it was just amazing to unload it and start to feel light again. I talked about things I had forgotten about, old memories, not all bad, from childhood to adult married life and the confines that kept me holding onto my past miseries.
Sometimes I cried and sometimes I laughed but mostly I just straightened out my own head by talking and being heard.
Finally someone to listen and not judge, to be on my side, there for me for a whole fifty minutes each week. My own special time with one to one complete care and confidentiality, not worried about who she might tell, it was wonderful, it saved my sanity and probably my life.
Please get the help I did pick up that phone today and make the call to one fo the counsellors listed in the directory or visit your local counselling service.
One word of warning, make sure you get a qualified, possibly accredited, counsellor, check out their credentials , ask if they are BACP (British Association of Counselling & Psychotherapy), registered,do they adhere to the code of Ethics as set out by BACP?
If in doubt you can check this by going to the BACP website: http://www.bacp.co.uk/ and clicking on find a therapist, there you can find someone in your area who can help you.
Good luck, make that call today and start to shed that weight.
