Is it a Child? Is it an Adult? No it's an Adolescent, Parenting : iPedia

I have been working with Teenagers for over 35 years. I learned my trade initially by study, which gave me an outline and which then was filled in and enhanced by the years of working directly working with them. I still find adolescents the most invigorating, challenging and often perplexing anthropogenic species that I have encountered.

As the children get older they face the normal range of difficulties often experienced in families with teenagers, such as them becoming less cooperative, moody, room is a mess, coming in late etc... The issues are coped with, family life is still reasonable and life continues in a positive if tiring vein. The teenager is doing more things with his or her friends and parents are becoming

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Then, often quite suddenly, war breaks out. The reasonable teenager becomes totally uncooperative, discussions take place at shouting level, direction and even offering advice becomes a no go area. They stop telling where they are going, they come in late, they refuse to eat with the family, they seemingly challenge everything that the parents say, they cease to understand the word ‘no’. Parents feel that they are loosing control and that their nice child has become a monster. However at the same time, they are amazed and confused when parents of their teenage friends praise them for their polite and likeable teenager and wish that their own child was like theirs. Moreover the school is not reporting any problems.

What is going on? Are the parents of their teenage friends just being pleasant to hide their horror of your own child? Does this monster of a teenager hate its parents so much that they are trying to cause as much pain as possible? Are they going mad? Are they on drugs? Do the parents have such poor

To understand what is may be contributing to situations like this we need to look at the different but natural and necessary processes going on in the backgrounds of both the parents and the adolescent. Good parenting enables the child to grow from a helpless baby to an independent adult who is able to take charge of his or her own destiny. The parents will have to the best of their ability and resources, loved, fed and nurtured, clothed and educated. They will also have endeavoured to protect their child from harm, and often there will be a very strong desire for their child to do well at everything. For most parents this is a natural process, which comes from their inherent genetic makeup which has been informed from their own upbringing and life experiences.

During adolescence the teenager will be experiencing many changes both physical and emotional. At times they will be growing faster than at any time in their lives; puberty will be arriving, causing a range of major physical and emotional changes. Most will be facing pressures to achieve at school and they are being pushed to make decisions that will affect their future. They will be facing pressure from peers to dress or behave in a particular way. The adult commercial world will be exerting its pressures to convince them that their cloths and products are ‘cool’ so every discerning teenager needs them and in fact there is something wrong with them if they don‘t follow the

Parenting is the process of raising and educating a child from birth until adulthood. This is usually done in a child's family by the mother and father (i.e., the biological parents). Where parents are unable or unwilling to provide this care, it is usually taken on by close relatives (including older siblings) and grandparents, adoptive parents, foster parents, godparents, or institutions (such as group homes or orphanages). Parens patriae refers to the public policy power of the state to usurp the rights of the natural parent, legal guardian or informal caregiver, and to act as the parent of
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All of this is pointing the teenager towards adulthood; adolescence is the stage between being a child and becoming an adult. We know that in the UK adulthood starts at 18, but when does it really start? When are teenagers able to make informed and responsible decisions about what they do and how to conduct themselves? Understanding this may help parents to develop strategies to reduce the sort of conflict described earlier.

Unfortunately there is no one defining point when childhood ends and adulthood begins. For instance look at a 16 year old; because of the parents’ instinct to protect their offspring they will probably see them as a child. My own son is 35 and a very successful

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The truth is a 16 year old is neither child nor adult, more childlike in some areas more adult in others. So life is confusing and often made worst by conflicting responses from parents and other adults such as teachers. ‘Stop acting like a child’, ‘no you can’t stay out after ten. ‘Why don’t you grow up’, ‘no you can’t wear those cloths’. ‘Why don’t you take more responsibility for yourself’, ‘no you can’t spend your own money on a motorbike’.

The adolescent’s time clock is telling them that adulthood is near which produces yet another confusion. Their emotions are saying yes, I want to be part of this adult world but it feels much safer to stay where I am. When you add the pressures of adolescences to its physical and emotional turmoils you begin to see why some teenagers start to attack, rebel or retreat.

So parents, if you want to avoid total war with your teenage offspring remember that your ultimate task is guide them into adulthood by gradually reducing control and allowing them to learn from the mistakes that they will make, be there to help them pick up the pieces and move forward again. Support and encourage, try not to inhibit. Allow them to flounder and then help them back onto their feet. Override your need to protect them from all harm and allow them to grow through experience. They will still need clear boundaries, but have the courage to negotiate new ones with them. If they abuse these, have the courage to implement the penalties for such misdemeanours. You have the right to say NO but please give reasons for refusing the request. Remember that following rules is an essential skill that they will need throughout their lives.

Protecting your children is one of the most powerful emotions that parents experience, at times it is so powerful that unconsciously some parents try to slow the progress of their teenagers into adulthood as a way of delaying the ‘having to let go’. If teenagers are enabled to reach adulthood by enjoying their adolescence they will grow into more confident adults and probably end up having better relationships with their parents.

I initially qualified as a Youth and Social worker and have a lifetime of working and living with teenagers.

I then ran two large youth centres continuing to study the psychology of adolescents.

I became the Director of a unit that worked with adolescents whose behaviour was so difficult that they were about to be removed from home .

I then managed a project that worked with families in crises, young people within the Juvenile Justice system, and young adults who were leaving care and moving into independent living.

Finally I became Head of Service and Care for an organisation that ran seventeen small children’s homes and a school for young people whose behaviour was so difficult that they could not be looked after in their own communities.

My wife and I also, fostered four teenagers, who had problems that would normally have prevented them from being fostered on a long term basis. Two of them now have families of their own and have become part of our extended family.

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Is it a Child? Is it an Adult? No it's an Adolescent

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